always.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Bored. Super bored with this life. I guess it’ll be worse without church. Suddenly, I feel weird with no hockey. Funny eh. See people themselves busy and make me feel guilty. Today Clarence asked me something with regards to what I am doing in. I realize my answer which is the true one is nothing. I am doing nothing. Frankly speaking, I am embarrassed but thinking about there is nothing wrong. I like my current life of doing nothing. Doing nothing doesn’t mean its literal meaning, it just mean I don not have CCA or activities. This is the tranquility which I always wanted and I do not regret. Sitting at home talking to Grandma means more important than doing some sai kang for school. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I think I have grown out from the world standards for people as I am no longer interested in doing them, pleasing people, making myself feel good.

I realize the change when 2 incidents in my extended family happened. The first is that my smart cousin tops his class in HCI. Mind you, I never top my class before. Somemore it is HCI. Of course, being a proud parent cannot resist showing off right? So yup there was my uncle bubbling off. Last time, I used to feel jealous think life is unfair. But now I know, impacting lives is far more important than topping in an elite school. Praise the Lord for changing me! =)!

The other incident was when my grandma was praising me to my auntie. And guess what that jealous aunt said? She said my grandma said that because my grandma is biased. Frankly speaking, I am really angry because I still remember one incident when I am forced to agree my auntie’s grand-daughter praises. Now, who do you have the right to say my grandma is biased. Seriously, these people have nothing to do. However, my reaction was surprising as the anger inside of me is mild and subsides quickly unlike the past the same anger would have continue burning bigger.

You know what it doesn’t matter what these people say anymore. Live the life you truly be, truly are. That is what I called the real life. Things of the world I am no longer interested. Things of God I am running towards. =)!

Friday, November 24, 2006

I was listening to the sermon cd that tracy loaned me the other day. The title is The Potter’s Hand and was preached by Pastor How. Very impactful indeed. I can feel that God is questioning; questioning my heart, renewing my heart and filled it with more than just faith. It is about the process of being a Christian and the times when the Devil can easily attack you. what is more important is my heart is renewed and that God has been answering my doubts.

I want to serve with a pure heart; not for fame nor for statue but for loving people.

Nth to blog actually. Just being in a reflective mood and I need to update if not my blog will be dead.

Mon: had PS. My first session and I had a 2hr lecture with the PS teacher. I am seriously wondering what is the point of joining CCA. It is not that bad if have friends to run around and play with but being in CCA without any close friends seems not fun. So what is the point? And the teacher keep mentioning about testimonial. I think I join a right kind of slack CCA. Aint the whole world cares only of worldly stuff like testimonial. Crap. I wonder how much substance are they going to be in. being cynical as usual.

Tue: I went church in the evening to have follow-up with lynette. It is about tithing. Kind of painful. In fact, I was resistant to the idea but I know I will still give. =)!

Wed: went tracy hse to play! =)! Haha.. kai kai is so adorable. Firstly, tty went to swim. Then we ate tracy’s maid’s fabulous lunch at her house. Oh.. before that we ate some edible cheesecake made by tracy though it doesn’t look presentable.haha. then we watch freaky Friday. Nice funny movie.haha. then we play daidee..haha…tty keep being the loser.haha.then we rush to PS to get present for her sis.

Thur: I spent the day out with Fiona shopping for gifts. We really don understand how the guys can be done within an hr for 2 gifts while me and Fiona spent about 3hrs for A gift. Aiyo..then after that we went to eat or rather I eat n Fiona watched me and we chat. We chat about secondary schools. So much memory. Sigh. Are we really that old? Haha.

Then after that spent the whole day watching gong. Super nice!! =)! Kinda of scary. Cuz I am already 17. so old. I actually sympathize xiao ling. I know many will disagree but she is being manipulated don u think? Maybe I know in every story I will nv be the lead actresses which many will be vying for in the real world.

There are many things to do but I am too lazy to get it started. Sigh.

The road ahead seems scary.

I think my mom is weird. First, she is paranoid that I am getting a bf. Next, she is paranoid me not getting a bf when I go U. hello? mommy? I am still young please!! Stop freaking me out. Rahness.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

sigh.i am piss.geez.stop nagging wont ya?

plus i am freaking out.geez thank God i am not attractive.

i am getting paranoid.

help!

rahness.

Monday, November 20, 2006

replies to taggie:
tracy:yesh yesh yesh..lets continue running towards our dreams!!=)!
tzeyin:just in case u gg to scold me for not replying.okies.then next time i reply urs cuz only u reply me.cant wait to hang out with you.y must my stuff come?sigh.what rain that day ar?die.haha
dean:haha...then dean u r not strong enuff to climb the tree and pluck that particular apple la..haha..hmm...i'm in love?not really.wahaha

rahness.the whole weekend was packed with church stuff.first is ushering.actually i am enjoying it.=).ppl aint that scary.haha.n i dun noe why but i am ACTUALLY enjoying myself.haha.okies.then is the concert.all i hv to say is wow wow wow.i mean just look at the way he play the guitar.n though he's a bit soft but what he said make sense.but some ppl just dun appreciate it.i mean cum on if not interested or show that rah face i still can accept but y must make noise n make those enjoying piss at you.n most imptly, the guitarist is an honoured guest.could you all be make hogc proud of u.rah.i was very piss.
nvm.i still love church.
i guess i am forced to grow up.i can no longer be a baby.in fact i hv to take care of 'babies' now.

pastor how talk abt loving life n dreams.
yesh i am gg to dream n i am not gg to rubbish my dream.
i know i am capable n i am gg to use what i have to serve Him!=)!
Loving life is very very very impt.i actually like adult service.

still too immature to think abt this...and i know that you don know and are too busy to know.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Someone plelase put a gun into my head.
It is just too painful.
rahness.

Friday, November 17, 2006

haha..i was looking out for bday quotes n i came across this-break-up quotes.some of them just blew me away.haha.here are some of them!=)!

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.
Anonymous

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.
Anonymous

A mighty pain to love it is,And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;But of all pains, the greatest painIt is to love, but love in vain.
Abraham Cowley

You never lose by loving. You always lost by holding back.Anon

Thursday, November 16, 2006

sad..why am i really lousy at everything besides studies?why does my guitar notes sound so shit?rah.nvm.i will practise hard even though it will take me twice the efforts than others just to prove that i am good at something n also make me feel worthwhile buying this guitar.how i wish i can just blame it on the guitar but i know it is my fault not its fault.but how cum sound so funny.thot i like music in sec2.now wad has happened?sigh.

i feel like i am a failure in everything but i am not going to let the Devil overcome me i will someday find what i can find my own passion and be able to do it.

since tty say i always nv reply the taggies so i reply lor.
tty:i dun reply cuz i dun think ppl will actually cum bk n read the replies somewhere if i reply all now i will flood my own tagboard so a bit lame la hor..haha

kaiting:haha i think the personality test is better tham the MBTI one cuz it gives rather accurately.haha.i wonder wad urs?knowing too much stuff in the world not a gd stuff.haha.

bypasser:curious who are are.you ought to be someone close to me.haha

jon:tks for being my spiritual guidance when i needed the most if not i think i will backslide!=)!
n dun like apples ar..dun u like wad?durian?haha...durian can kill de.haha.

pollyna:i miss ya stalker!!haha...;p

sharon:nice theory.hahau analyse very well but in reality there is no that strong man can shake an apple tree if not every farmer wants to hore that man liao.haha.sorry.i am just very logical person.;p

dean:hahahaha...i think only YOU go for durian*
(*i really think that girl a durian ;p u noe wad i meant haha)

realise a lot ppl very fascinated with the apple tree thing.haha.i got it from an email find it very true thats y i blog din noe got so many responses?

what to do if ur heart falling for someone but when you see that someone you don blush just like ur other crushes?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

http://www.personaldna.com/report.php?k=DMMydBBhJUaXSSQ-AG-CACAC-7f11&u=eeb88d0df99a

This is so me!=)! go ahead n take the personality test!=)!

"Happy moments, praise God,
Difficult moments, seek God,
Quiet moments, worship God,
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God" !

funny...this was sent to me by a person who doesnt believe in Him.haha.oh wells.life is twist with ironies.but anw how true these statements.

i am so thankful for my life change. at least i dun cry at night.at least i am normal.at least i am happy.what more can i ask from Him?

People often have this logical thinking that shouldnt God reveals Himself, then we will surely believe Him.But people tend to forget that cuz we choose not to believe Him, that is why He cant do anything to reveal Himself to us.The Holy Spirit is a gentleman;He will not force Himself onto us, therefore if we do not believe in Him, He cannot reveal Himself to us as He gave us freedom of choice.

tata.i hope this answer some people answers.=)

Bring on the challenges! God will stand up against them!

There are times when i though is it worth it to commit so much in church?This is because i do not benefit much from as in testimonial, good CCA records.Then i realise something i certainly do not benefit from the materials of the world, but i benefited it a lot in spirit.
At least I am no longer that girl who cries herself to sleep every nights. I wish to change people and at the same time not to let people so emotionally dependent onto these helpers.
As the saying goes, "Gives a man a fish, n it will feed him one day
Teaches the same man how to fish, it will feed him for a lifetime."

Loves in the airs. I never felt such an immense Love before!=)!

Monday, November 13, 2006

the greatest high in life

Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one... IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake.. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

shouldn't we think living is so wonderful, i guess many of us are caught with the things of the world that we sometime forget the small pleasures that comes with it.so tata, hope this can refresh everyone's mind and appreciate the wonders of life!=)!

arrgh...i feel so horrible now.rahness.today is a bad day n it din help when so many stuff just keep adding on.

what the...is wrong to be poor?cuz i'm happy this way.

ahhhh...i'm kinda of frustrated...1stly cuz i am not an ogl.something which i wanted so badly since beginning of last year.oh man.arrgh.....nvm..i am always that suai in interviews but wad my mommy said struck me.she said y must everytime be a leader?ogl not really leader kind of thing she dun really fully understand wad an ogl is for.but nvm la.i guess she said there is a point.i shall heck care abt it.it was meant to be this way.

i realise i am becoming the person i really dun wan to becum.i should take a break 1st cuz i dun wan to drive ppl away from me.

oh n i realise that i am no longer depress now i noe wad is depression abt.
thankfully i dun need pills.=)

i am beginning to like what i used to hate.

maybe a change is good.

jon said i might be a pastor.errr....haha..i need to overcome my fear for public speaking 1st but actually if my mom allow though i doubt she will,i might try.whatever the future holds, i'll be happier in His hands!=)

Saturday, November 11, 2006

I’ve nothing (no $$) but I am happy. =)!

Mommy said that eating banana with ice cream will have diarrhea.
But grandma said it is alright for me to have diarrhea since I always have constipation.
What a funny family I have! Haha..

To gurvin,
I still love ya loads! Doesn't mean that I dun reply ur msg or ans ur call doesn’t mean you are not important in my life. Cuz ur friendship measures more than those messages and phonecalls.

I am happy in what I am doing and nothing can take this joy away.

I am so crazy over Jesus.

To someone dearest in my heart, aXXXs babe, I know that you may feel coerced by me for what I’ve done. But the reason I do that is because I love you. I used to be like you struggling, become very strong and cold after all those bad experiences, wanting to be like you as it is cool to be strong. But maybe it is too taxing to be strong all the time and yet so weak inside. So tired of wanting love that you thought it can be given by boys you like. Yet, these boys can disappoint you over and over again. Focus so much on your emotions and external stuff that wears you down further. As my pastor has said, if you are out of control on the outside, laws and regulations can control you. But what if you are out of control in the inside, who can save you? Maybe you are cynical as you could not get into His presence. But maybe because you did not totally give your faith which is why you could not feel Him. Faith is defined as believing the impossible. I challenge to ask yourself this: did you gave Him your 100%? Even as you could not feel Him, I hope I can be there to bridge that gap.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

-----------------Girls--------------
-----------are like apples-------
------on trees. The best ones------
----are at the top of the tree.----
----The boys dont want to reach--
---for the good ones because they--
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good, but easy.
So the apples up top thinksomething wrong w
them when in-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right boy to--
-- come along, the one who's------
------ brave enough to----------
----------climb all-------------
-----------the way-----------
-----------to the top-----------
----------of the tree.---------

so gurls out there, dun worry yea?=)

finding a bit funny now.dun noe wad u called it.nostagic?but it doesnt seem the case. finding a teeny weeny jealous from the past.m i thinking too much?maybe i shud stop thinking.

glad that you found yours!=)!

hmm actually i cant rem wad i want to blog.haha.

anw, pw has been a painful experience even up till the last.this time rd i dun feel the need to say sorry.maybe it is just ur way of reacting to stress but heck i dun like it.maybe u shud check urself b4 saying ppl.in the end who is the one who cannot make it?why do u always hv to roll ur eyes and say stuff in such a tone to hurt ppl esp the fact that u r a christian( i am not talking abt my church ppl in case ppl misunderstood)do u think that i am that irresponsible?

okies back to God. i love talking about Him. each time i think of Him, i feel strong and able to do things that i nv do b4.anw ppl always argue if God has a plan for u how cum ur life is still so disastrous?my ans comes in two part.the first is that that we humans often have a choice to follow God's plan or to disobey Him and we often choose the latter cuz its the so called easier route.that is why our life is so disastrous cuz one lead to the other.another is that God will always test us esp our obedience so that we know we can love Him more!=)!

n i am beginning to love Him more than i know.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

went to church today. i was quite happy but my heart has alreday turn so cold. i am becoming this person. strong and cold.dun talk to ppl liao.due to bad experience. n today dominic preach abt faith.n i promise God i will not slip into depression but here i am into another one or rather this time round i am no longer sad.more like my heart has turn so cold

oh Lord, burn my heart with a passion for You!

i figure out the only way to get myself out of depression is to help people like my case.i just enjoy doing them.it just gives me a sense of control, a sense of usefulnes.i guess i will do that then.go round talking to people and helping them.

i must have faith like a mustard seed and i am gg to tell my demon that i will kill you n hammer u down n i will not let you fear me. i believe that i can one day raise up a healthy family do many great things for God.

i know i will. ask me now if i regret quitting hockey.i will say no cuz now i am doing the things i love and the Person whom i love.it is no longer for pleasing anyone but rather i am living for You! You are the greatest gift of all!

how come gong not online.sad.she promise me de.rah.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

hey peeps!sorry for the long time that i did not blog. i really wish and want to BUT my com crashed for good this time round. everyone, please give 1 min of silence for my com plz thank you..haha...crap.

actually i was thinking com crashed aint a bad thing. firstly, it was near to chi's a's therefore i can concentrate on mugging cuz i cant do op slides due to my com either. next, i wont give in the temptation but the withdrawal symtoms are very severe. rah. it actually makes me more depressed. so aint you guys glad that when i am depressed my com is crashed so that u all wont hear my ranting.haha..budden it means that i dun get to msn chat with people a lot. how sad. then i realise this is what i wan to do. chatting with people yea.

i love people.

anw i've got to blog abt the wkend sermon. it was really powerful and this time i really felt God's presence in my life. n He also gave me a vision. i realise all along i couldnt feel Him cuz all i know is ppl relation with Him but i did not establish the deep relation with Him myself. now, i learn and i know! i love Him more than anything in my life!really...from the bottom of my heart. i cant wait when church goes into full swing this holiday. no more wasting my time n depressed over the decision to quit hockey.

anw pastor lia mentioned something really funny that how come each time people was asked what 3 things will you bring to a desert island buty no one says a boat?

interesting yea?haha...so what are you waiting for? come down my church and meet my interesting pastor.haha.=)!

"You say I alone can change the world
But I know its by the Spirit of Lord
Come fill me up with overflow..."