There are many things in the world we can live on but not many we can live for. I realize things such as popularity and fame can be easily given to one and it can easily be taken away too. Maybe God wants me to experience this to understand that only His glory last forever.

But after this great fall, I felt so much pain and hurt (people call me over-sensitive) that I find it hard to pick myself up again. I guess it is hard. Really very hard. Up till now, I’m still battling with depression. I tried but I kept falling. No one knows but I am still struggling deep inside. I know emotions can be controlled as long as you want it to. But, I just can’t. I find it so hard to trust and know new people due to bad experience. I feel it hard to go n love a person as preached in the bible. (I am not referring to the typical BGR) Due to this guarded up feelings, I learnt I hurt myself even more. I prefer that. No, I do not. I know I do not. But, I am thinking if I can make a person less pain-free. Why not? I pray that I will be healed one day. But, I need someone to guide me, especially this period of time. This is so that I will not lose faith in Him. I know I can depend on church friends, my care group members(I still do not know most of them). But I find it so hard. I find it so hard to open up, to trust and to love them.

The truth is I do not know why I am depressed. I thought I am healed already. Then, I realized I never completely open up my heart to anyone. I can pray endlessly but still I cannot feel Your presence. When I am upset, people tell me to pray. But, I need guidance on how to pray and how to seek You. I really want to establish deep relationship with You! I am hungry for You.

I do not know why I am still crying. I am so ashamed to cry. I do wish to reveal my weaknesses. I do not want to cry. But, tears keep streaming in. People are tired of me crying. I am tired too. Trust me.

My spiritual gift is exhortation. I really do not know how to make use of this.

thank you Jesus =)