always.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Feeling displaced from the class,
Like a ghost wandering aimlessly.

It scares the hell out of me that recently I’ve grown softer, meeker and certainly quieter. Some of my CCA friends notice this change in me. I’m like a time bomb ready to explode at any time. I’m afraid that if I keep suppressing my feelings at this rate, I’ll eventually break down again.

I just do not feel like sharing my problems anymore. I am sick of being weak. I am sick of whining to people as it will have a negative impact on me too if I keep repeating the same things. I just feel like keeping my mouth shut, being oblivious to the world (as if the world really cares about my existence). It doesn’t feel good being neglected but I rather be alone and aloof.

I’m wondering am I your friend or not? I tried sticking to some friends but I guess I’m too sticky huh? I do not know. I really do not know.

I don’t like people anymore. What is the point of being constantly being hurt by people? Moreover, it is not them who hurt me but I hurt myself. I realize I’m really childish but I tried, I tried very hard to think positive. This is one of my best attempts already.

I try injecting positive thoughts on myself. It is one of the most onerous tasks I’ve ever done. It is like you cannot control your emotions yet you are doing so. It is like going against nature.

On a lighter note, I’m happy that I’m getting closer to some hockey girls. It feels good to bond, to know that we are in this thing together. It feels good that you are not alone. Moreover, I realize I’m not the only one that contemplates on quitting. There are a few who shared and I guess we’ll just push each other to the end. I hate giving up things halfway. Do I ever regret joining it? Nope, no matter how tired it will get.

Is there something wrong with me? Why I can never fit into any class that I’ve been in?

I’m sick of mugging…