always.

Monday, June 05, 2006

I cannot exactly remember what I wanted to say just now at the spur of the moment but it goes something like this: I am feeling inadequate because of the fact that I am not perfect. Conflicts are ripping me within the heart that left me feeling baffled. I am confused. Not knowing where I am heading to. Not knowing who is the real me. Am I who I truly portray? Or am I another product from the society? Am I the noisy girl that my friends say? Or am I the quiet person that many would agree? I do not know. All I know is that I really hate myself. The reason? Because I am imperfect. Perhaps, you might argue that nobody is perfect. But I see somehow contrasts from what the saying meant. Everyone seem better off than me. Yes, I know, I should compare myself with the less privileged. That is what I do and that results in conflicts rushing to my head. I wish I could do something to make someone’s life better. But how? I do not know. And I blamed myself for being so helpless. I could not stand it. I realize something today I am still very much the perfectionist I was back then. Perfectionist doesn’t mean that everything has to be neat as I am definitely not. Perfectionist just means that the person wants things to go in the perfect direction and one tolerates no imperfection. This is so me.

Anyway, I think I am rather quiet these days. It just seems that I do not have any common topic with anyone unlike how it was with tty emm gongx xiany. It was just entirely different. I could not communicate without trying my best to make an effort out of it. And I absolutely hate it.

Delta camp experience: As I had said to my instructor, I do not enjoy the camp but I enjoy the people. And it is the people who make the camp'')! The first two days are quite boring and my group had not hyped up yet. It was during the third and fourth day that there was more interactions among the group member mainly jianhao and dingfeng. They make me laugh like hell. Laugh till I could not stop. It has been a long time I laugh till like that. The last time was probably with tty and my cliché? That was like so long? Anyway, I felt that I learnt quite a few bits. Many might say that the workshops are boring. I have to agree BUT what matters is how much you are absorbing these lessons you had learnt. I learnt my share. I learnt to be more firm and confident myself and also to be less guilty should things go wrong. I tell you it is this guilt that really kills me of all leadership positions. I am just not confident enough due to that. This is not some politically correct blog. But really this is how I feel. I wish dingfeng and jianhao were in my class.'')!and oh zhaoliang finished 7 pieces of bread for breakfast/supper. I wonder who can break his records.

I just feel like expressing this. I think you will know who you are. I am sorry if I offend you but I just got to say this. If you are racist and you hates the language Chinese, then who are you? Some cool person trying to act ang moh? I seriously do not understand. I think it is time to embrace language Chinese. Not that Singaporean ah beng ah lian Chinese. Just normal fluent Chinese. I appreciate the fact that my friend can balance English Chinese hokkien altogether. When she did that, she spoke each language fluently. Not that Singapore rojak kind of language. So I do not understand why are you treating Chinese and hokkien like some scum? It really depends on how much respect you are going to give to it. And also, frankly speaking, I do not think that your racist jokes are funny. You might think why? It is because I know how it feels like to be discriminated, to be ostracized just because of my skin.
I have become someone that doesn’t really care of what people think. This is because the more I think, the worse it become. I am not becoming some heartless cad who is blabbering nonsense. I am just saying the truth and how I feel about the truth. I am sorry if people do not like this change of mine. But it feels terrible to keep my mouth shut and feelings close all the time. All I know is that my mood swings are getting worse. I can be so high up then dip until very low down. I hate feeling like this.