always.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Guess wad I’m feeling now exactly… I feel like a loner an outcast. u might think wad? Hello? jerlyn u r not an outcast?cuZ I’m a sociable n nice person. But let me reveal my darker side to all of u. yes. I’m a loner n an outcast. You might think that I’m some attention-seeking person who always want to be in the limelight. But no I do not. I just hate it when people take me for granted and do not appreciate my existence. And I know you people does. cuZ I aint ur clique I’m always clique-hopping. And guess wad?I eventually break down in front of people which I should never do so cuZ I’m suppose to be perfect rem? Perfect in everything. But no I am not. Before I come to aj I only pray that I’ll have just one best frenZ or good frenZ. I do not need to be known. No need to socialize a lot. cuZ I’ve learnt from my previous lessons tt if u do not have ur own clique, you’ll just die. You’ll be just another loner. N guess wad history repeating itself again. Do u know that I’m depress not cuZ of sch work. But of social issue. U did try to console me… but u know wad actions speak louder than words. When I asked some of you to move and sit with me cuZ I do not want to be alone. ALL of you were so reluctant to do so. If I were one of u all at that time, I would gladly just went to sit with this loner me. Was it so hard that it kills u just to sit w me. Was it I’m such a pain in the ass that u cldnt stand me? N that is precisely the reason I broke down even more when these thoughts ran in my head. U might think I am a demander someone who is so unreasonable. Someone who is so attention seeking. But I’m really upset. Really wants you to feel how I feel.

But you know wad this isn’t gg to happen. Whatever I expects ppl to do. No1 will does it. I’m fed up. fed up with this stupid world. When I was younger, I felt like jumping down and end everything. But now older and wiser, I understood how selfish was it of me to think of such a thought. So I’ll just cont living in this miserable world. I’m sorry if I sounded too harsh but I really need an outlet to voice out my anguish. I used to hv amazing frenZ for me thru thick n thin. But shes now in diff sch. I mean hello?i cannot bothered her so much right? Besides now she has more trouble than me.

I guess the best advice to this ranting will be be to be independent. Just be a loner. I guess I’ll be happier if I can accept this fact. Which I still cant. But it will take time. And by the end of this term, I aim to get over my depression.