always.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Dun know why today.was feeling real low and horrible. Maybe since yesterday? I do not know. Think I’m feeling upset for stupid reasons, like today no1 saved a seat for me during chem tutorial. N thot that I would have to sit alone. And also at kyna for being sarcastic at me. Think I was pretty mean to her. But I was quite piss. N I feel horrible cuz I feel tt I gossip too much n tt I judge ppl too readily as I am influenced so easily n that I think I am ms know it all who thinks everything is prefect and things are gg my way but actually I aint. I am wondering whether I am pessimistic ( like what dean said) and low-self esteem. I began to be so disillusioned w life that I began to lose faith in everything, including Him. I began to think that I do not need God in my life, hence things began to fall apart. I wish things to go according to my plan but it isn’t. as usual. N when it doesn’t. I am always frustrated. I have no idea what the future hold. It is so daunting.

Part of my sadness stems from the aj netball girls manage to draw with the sa. I think it is a huge blow to the aj girls. Cuz it is a crucial match and they cannot afford to lose. When I saw yilun n some of the other girls cried. I feel sad for them. Knowing it is extremely hard to take this failure cuZ u can feel their passion for training and all that which few would have. N I realized sth I do not feel the same camaraderie when i cheer for the girls as i did for cedar sports. Not trying to say aj is not gd. It is just the culture i suppose? I was in fact afraid to cheer. I do not want to be the only 1 cheering. In fact, the councillors was stumped on what to cheer. It is unlike cedar where we have a set of cheers. Whenever a grp start a cheer, the rest wld follow. Every1 knows it by heart. N in fact these are the cheers that give us an identity which aj lacks. I hope i could feel this camaraderie in aj one day. Everyone is very united and it gives me the warmth of family which cedar did not give. People are just afraid to express their unity. Hopefully, our student leaders (councillors) can lead us to become a more rah-rah school, moving away from a mugger school. Seriously, i do not think that aj is mugger though there are many who still says so. Cant change this stereotype. I still remember vividly kerrin persuading the cedarians to stay after 1st 3 mths n tried changing our mindset. N at that moment i was like err... now i understand what she means n how she feels

Had mass civics today. Topic was on superficiality. Sad but true. I mean there is no way we can change it. Can we? But still I was pretty upset. I am this kind of girl who believe in equality in everything. So much of my perfect world. That is why I am so upset with this world. I think after stepping out into the society, I would feel more terrible. Oh well. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Anw I asked a guy once if it is true that most guys go for pretty/ cute girls. N he said yes. A great example of superficiality I suppose. I do not know why. Might be my upbringing? I do not feel guys with good looks attractive but I feel guys with nice character attractive but must be at least presentable. But my idea of presentable isn’t it another superficiality? What an irony!

I know that there would be this certain group of girls (p/s I’m not referring to any specific grp of ppl or anything…just generally) would want to marry a rich guy. Maybe it is a blessing that I come from a broken family so that I would not repeat my mother’s mistakes. All I want to say is that rich guys doesn’t guarantee love and security and that he would still stay rich after married. After all, he could be bankrupt during difficult times. N that in the end the one getting hurt is the children not the two in the relationship. Because marrying for $$ is just another superficial relationship. I am not saying that all rich guys are bad guys, just that we ppl should shift the thinking a rich husband is a good husband. You might wonder why am I touching this topic. Due to watching too much channel 8 dramas… haha.
I was rather shocked that 1 of my classmates actually mentioned not being close to her clique. I know what she means. Cuz I felt that before. It is not as in they ostracized her or what, it is just that the frenzship that all of us are having are not as deep as those we’ve made in sec schools. Usu when u go somewhere, u’ll find a best frenZ. But nope. This is not in the case. Maybe it is true that the older u are the harder u’ll make true best frenZ. It is so true that the frenz u make in sec sch remain as the best of friends in ur life. Take me xinli and tty and xiany for e.g. despite the fact that in cedar we were not in the same class except maybe sec1 n 2 w xiany n tty n now that we’ve gone our separate ways but yet we are still as close as we were in back then. No matter where u are, you will still feel these frenZship despite not being together physically all the time. Maybe it is just God’s plan that tty not in aj w me. Maybe that makes us appreciate each other better. I thot I would find another frenZ like them in aj. I almost did. However, unfortunately, this friend of mine and me are not as close as we were when we first met each other. Both of us can tell that we are making an attempt to keep this friendship gg. But it is this very attempt that makes everything seem so unnatural. We both tried and we are both running out of topics to talk about. This is causing a strain. I do not know why. Why fate is yet so kind and cruel at times. I hope that she and I will still remain and good friends and that we’ll never run out of topics to talk about. Perhaps june hol is a good time to catch up.