always.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Ajc-orientation II

Hmm…where should I start? Lets see…my new OG? I find that my new OG not bad la. haha. So much for trying to write in good and clear English. Sigh. Anyway 2nd orientation was boring. But in a good way I managed to meet more new friends. Like eg Valerie zhang. Hard to find some1 whom I can just hit off instantly. N also many from my og. Hmm seem like history repeating itself again huh? 1st few month in a new environment, I’ll very happy then after that I’ll be super depress and sad n realize that I do not fit into any groups because I hop around and make too many friends. And I don’t want to be like that. I rather do not have many friends but just 1 best buddy to stick around with.
I just pray that I will be happy in aj. That’s all I’m asking for. I know that there’ll be some people who wont like me and I wont like them. But really this is just part and parcel of life. I should not get myself really affected by it. N most importantly, I must stay true to myself and not be someone else and try to please people. N also I should stop judging people. Because judging someone else will be tantamount to me hating that person. N guess who suffers the most in then end? Not that person but me because my heart is inebriated with rancour. I hope that I’ll just do my best to be nice to everyone but I should not be upset if people who do not know me hate me. I shall not be affected. Must be thick skin. As long as in my heart I know I do my best not to hurt anyone. Another lesson I should learn is that I must learn not to be selfish, I guess I’m still am. I realize giving is more joy than keeping it to myself. N this is the joy that I want not the grades and material acquisitions. To the people out there, if I hurt your feelings in one way or another, be it now or the future, I just want to say I’m sorry. I really do not meant to hurt you. N that I did my best not to do so.

That was about my friends. Now is about my family. I realize how much I seek for father’s love. The emptiness in my heart. It alright I guess? Because I never really feel one so its not as bad as those felt it and eventually did not have it. At least I did not have an abusive dad. I’m thankful of it. My mom as usual is depressed. Although at times I dislike my mom, I still love her. I love her courage for enduring me and raising me up. She’s not my dream mother. But I know she did her best to protect me. Lastly but most importantly, my grandma who did everything to fill up the emptiness in me. For giving so much love in my life. My resolution of making more time for you seem to fail. I’m really sorry. I should not have find you naggy. Especially you are getting old. Friends can enter and leave in my life but you never will and I love you for that, and I swear that I’ll do my best to make more time for you. I do not want to regret it later. I’m really scared of losing you!

That’s all for today reflection.haha…